3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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