life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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