You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
