I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
