I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Randomize
