I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
