Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
