the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I want a musical about memes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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