Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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