i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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