Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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