Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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