just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
