I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
