careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
