Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
