my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
