I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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