If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
