hotel room ftw
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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