apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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