I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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