dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
