ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
