Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
