So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
