My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
