Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
