im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
