Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
