I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
