:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
