the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
