Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
