fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
