I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
