my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
