marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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