I think I won the penis lottery.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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