Where did you get a picture of my penis
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
