Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
