hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
