Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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