I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
