can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
