I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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