Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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