He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
