Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
