I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All I want is dick and wine.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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