the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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